This is the 40th blog about my breast cancer journey since I was diagnosed with it in early March this year. It has been the most trying one to write.

Every morning I wake up, look in the mirror, and see a body deformed by cancer. I can’t help it; cancer has been a life-changing experience in every aspect of my life.

Some days it’s easier to accept because I am still alive despite the diagnosis. Other days it’s discouraging, and makes me feel sad because my life is forever changed by cancer.

I didn’t ask for cancer, my own body delivered it to me. I still struggle daily with how to live with this disease.

There are times when it feels like it’s just a bad dream, but then I wake up and realize that it’s not a dream. All I need to do is look at the changes to my body, feel the effects of cancer treatments daily, and remember to attend an array of medical appointments every month.

I know that some of the cancer changes to my body are temporary, and that one day I will be fully restored to a “new normal”. Other changes are permanent. It’s the permanent changes that are hardest to live with.

Part of my body was removed to rid it of cancer. I now wear a breast prosthesis to look normal. My head is hairless. I now wear a cranial scalp prosthesis to look normal. My eyelashes and eyebrows are fading and are starting to fall out. Soon, I will wear artificial eyebrows and eyelashes so that I can look normal. Hopefully, I will be lucky and all of my hair will grow back once treatments end, as some cancer patients face permanent alopecia after treatment.

Maybe I’m paranoid, but when I’m in public, it feels like people stare at me and secretly wonder about my appearance. They likely know that I have cancer, as a hat on a woman’s baldhead is usually a dead giveaway that one is sick. “She must have cancer, poor thing,” I can almost hear them say to themselves. Others give me a smile knowing I’m not well.

Before cancer, I once owned a fit, slim body. With cancer, my abdomen is swollen from daily blood thinner injections and houses a tender band of bruises. Chemo fatigue has created a lack of energy to maintain my former several times weekly rigorous exercise routine. When these factors are married with steroids in the chemotherapy medication, the result is that my body shape is changing. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this is only a temporary condition.

I’ve lost the trademark “sparkle in my eyes” as the weariness in living with cancer is starting to show in my eyes. My positive spirit has become a resident on an emotional rollercoaster, as I go ride the ups and downs of dealing with this disease.

With this breadth of change going on in my body, I look and feel far from beautiful.


The Look Good Feel Better Program

Perhaps this is why cancer treatment organizations and the cosmetics industry throughout North America have banded together to create the “Look Good, Feel Better” (LGFB) program for female cancer patients. It’s a great program that I attended before our daughter’s wedding earlier this summer.

In the LGFB program, patients are taught techniques for skin care and make up application to look good and feel better, with emphasis on reducing the risk of infection when using cosmetics. The risk of infection arises for cancer patients when they use old contaminated make up. Thus, the LGFB program makes cancer patients discard all of their old make up to reduce their risk of infection with immune compromised bodies.

The cosmetics industry is aware of this hardship, and works with local volunteer cosmeticians and cancer treatment organizations to replace a patient’s old make up with a box full of free cosmetics and skin care creams. The LGFB “prize package” by my estimation is worth $200-300 per patient. It is a nice treat to leave the session with new make up and a new look.

The LGFB program orients patients to look good and feel better, but it’s only a temporary high. The reality of living with cancer sets in soon after the session ends, because you‘re never really free to not think about your illness. Cancer patients are reminded about the condition and how it affects their life every time they look in a mirror.


Cancer Brings Out the Humanity in a Person

Cancer has a way of bringing out the humanity in a person as they journey on the road to getting well. Admittedly, there are times when it is darn difficult to muster the strength I need to battle this dreadful disease.

There are times when I live with cancer that make me feel numb to the outside world, and to the inner world of my feelings. I have started to experience cancer overwhelm moments where I “zone out” and have a temporary memory lapse. For a few brief seconds, I don’t know where I am and shake my head to get back to reality. At these times, I feel at a loss in how to live with cancer. I want to hide in the safety and familiarity of my home.

Most days, I feel strong, confident, and know that I can conquer this disease. Then there are days when I feel weak, and am looking to wave a white surrender flag. Fortunately, the good days far outnumber the bad days. The loving support of those who care about me is critical in this cancer combat.

Somehow I’m getting through the tough times, but honestly I don’t know how. Getting through this cancer journey is no longer a day-by-day survival, many days it’s an hour-by-hour survival.

The expressed love of others in daily phone calls, emails, cards, prayers, and visits sustain me in living with cancer and the treatments I am undergoing. Daily, I look forward to the various forms of contact from people who show that they care. These simple gestures mean the most to me as I battle this disease.

Many days my “wellness” well is dry. These gestures add water to my life-giving well. They lift my spirits and assure me that although I am away from others—be it family, friends, colleagues, and co-workers, they have not forgotten to walk alongside me in this difficult journey.

I draw strength from this wellness well each day as I am challenged daily to find ways to replenish the life-giving water that is so needed to fight this disease. With the love of others, I am committed to refreshing my life and spirit day after day with Strength, Courage, and Determination.